Tuesday, October 9, 2012

God is good ... ALL the time


I have been holding off on writing this for a long time.

in the last 14 months I have become increasingly aware of how often people say or write " _______ happened, God is so good!"...you fill in the blank. Lots and lots of times it's little things like a trip somewhere, an unexpected gift, something you wanted and now you have it so "God is SO good". Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly great to praise Jesus for any and everything... but what if things DONT go as you wanted them? What if life takes unexpected negative turns? What if you dont get what you desire? God is s t i l l good.

The last 14 months opened my eyes to a world of understanding that when life doesnt go the way we wanted it to go, it doesnt mean God isnt good to us. And frankly, just because something does go the way you wanted it to, doesnt necessarily mean it was God's blessing on your life either.

months ago I was convinced that if I prayed harder, sought harder after God, sacrificed harder... maybe then things would go the "right" way. When that backfired, anger ensued. I was under the impression God somehow owed me something.... ha.   God doesn't owe us anything!  I was quickly learning that despite God's greatness in all situations, despite my love for Jesus and my dedication to Him, we still live in a broken and fallen world.  Pain exists. Even if you did nothing to deserve it, suffering remains.

Some of you know, most of you dont. We have had several pregnancy losses in the last 14 months. I have wrestled with God a lot this year.  Cried out in anguish. Prayed harder than I've ever prayed.  But the thing is- we just live in a fallen world.  Things dont always go as we had always dreamed. Life is often not fair.  I sit back and watch terrible people become terrible parents to precious innocent babies, knowing that I would make a far better mother. I have to sit there and hear the doctors tell me that all the tests show I am "healthy" but yet they know something is wrong. But the problem that I have encountered most, is how we all understand God's goodness.  I was so thankful for pastor Reimer's sermon a few weeks ago. He reminded us that "our Christian health is not measured by the amount of trials we are given- its a matter of how we respond and work through those trials"

I can be so in tune with my relationship with God and seeking him, and yet, we still experience trials. we are not exempt from hardship just because we have a great relationship with Christ.  Hard pill to swallow? yep, you bet. especially in a situation like this.  I still do not know where the light at the end of this long dark tunnel is.  That is an incredibly vulnerable and scary place to be.

and yet- it can also be one of the most beautiful places to be. Had I not been knocked down into this deep sense of sadness, loss and despair- I would not know my God like I know him now.  When nothing else on this earth feels worth living for, all you have is God and yet so ironically beautiful:  God is ALL YOU NEED. Just you and Him.  In your most raw moments, God picks you up, holds on tight and rides this devastating wave with you. The truth is, on the outside it looks like God is not being "good" to us or I havent been blessed, or I havent sought hard enough after him... but all of that is pseudo christian fluff.

God is SO good to me. Especially in the last 14 months. I am incredibly blessed, even in the midst of such sorrow and loss. I have been able to experience a closensess with God that many people never even come close to tasting. I am thankful.
I am learning a deep understanding of what hope & faith truely are. I refuse to give up hope on the dream that I know God placed deep in my heart since I was a child myself. He has a plan to redeem this pain.  A plan that far outweighs anything I could have ever thought up. Does that mean I am happy with how things have been so far and so looking forward to not knowing the future? Not at all. I'm scared to death. Everyday is a battle in my heart to stay in the depths of sadness or choose to be thankful. The losses are very real and that pain will always be there. It is a matter of how I am going to choose to live out this tragedy.


Today, I choose to keep moving forward, loving my God who is SO good to us, even in our most darkest time.