*This is part 1 of a 2
part blog about the dark and bright sides of suffering
This is intended for
two reasons. First, to allow those who have gone through or are currently going
through suffering, the ability to identify with others who have felt the same
way they have. Second, to bring light to those family, friends, and
acquaintances who could benefit from understanding what may be going on to
those around them experiencing hard times.
These are what I have
found to be some of the hardest parts of suffering in relation to the wounds in
motherhood.
1. Long after
the phone calls, meals, warm hearted texts, and well wishes end-your pain
continues.
In my own experience
and in speaking with other women in their journeys, I have noticed a trend.
Upon the initial shock of tragedy, when support tends to be at its highest, you
may be feeling strong. You may be feeling like you are able to get
through anything, encouraged by others, and may even feel hopeful for your
future. But what most friends, family, and colleagues do not see, is that when
all of that support begins to fade over time, and it will, your suffering will
intensify.
If you are
suffering-you may be feeling like a tourist lost in New York City. People
zooming by with life, seasons changing, everyone moving along, all the while
you are still standing there, feet paralyzed, trying to process all that has
happened to you.
Word of advice for
family/friends/acquaintances of hurting souls:
Please know that it takes much longer than you think is healthy or “allowable”
to move forward with life’s hardship. When all of the company and support
dwindles, we are left here to soak our pillows in tears and spend countless
nights thinking about the pain. Have patience with us and most
importantly, keep supporting us long after you think we are “okay”.
2. Your friendships
will change.
Losing a child, going
through infertility, any kind of hardship in the journey of motherhood,
unintentionally places a barrier between you and everyone else. Many
friends and family will not know how to react to it. Some friends will not ask
you about it out of fear of touching a “tender” spot. Others will try to be
there for you, but end up saying hurtful things. Wounds in motherhood often
scar the soul so deeply that it affects every relationship a woman has in her
future. Your circle of trust may become smaller and smaller. You may
unintentionally deem certain family or friends as “unsafe”. Others you feel
very safe around. If you meet a woman who has gone through a similar pain, you
feel an immediate common bond with her, sometimes deeper than the friendships
you’ve had for years. Embrace the changes in friendship & have grace for
those family and friends who may not know the best ways to be there for you.
Words of advice for
family/friends/acquaintances of hurting souls:
Please ask your friend how you could be there for them during this time. Ask
them what they need from you and express your sympathy for their pain. Try to
be as sensitive to their needs as you can, especially if you have children.
When you think they are fine- know that they are probably not, and could use an
encouraging word, note, text, phone call, or visit to show them you care.
3. You will never be
the same again
(This will also
be on the “bright side of suffering” post!)
Ask any person who has
gone through the loss of a child, a loved one, struggled through infertility,
miscarried, watched their child with special need struggle through life, or
walked the road of adoption loss, abortion, or unasked for illness- and they
will agree that they will never be the same again. They may feel that they have
been stripped of their identity and are being forced to redefine who they are.
Sometimes these wounds go so deep into the soul of a woman that she is forced
to reexamine, search for, and call out to God to provide for and pour into her
the joy that only comes from Him. This is NOT a bad thing- in fact, quite the
contrary. Change can be a wonderful thing, especially when it involves the
power of our Creator transforming us into what HE desires. Nonetheless, when it
comes about in the form of tragedy, it is incredibly heart wrenching and
sometimes physically painful to accept. I did not ask to change- I am being
forced. Even though I can confidently say I am thankful for the hardship
because of who God has molded me into- it had to come about in the hardest and
most gut wrenching way possible: the loss of my children.
4. People say hurtful
things
It is no secret that
humans are not always the most sensitive and graceful creatures with our words.
Friends, family, and acquaintances of hurting souls- here is a little cheat
sheet of things NOT to say. These are some of the things that people have said
to our women:
-
-When are you guys going to have kids?
-
-Don’t you guys know how babies are made?
-
-Don’t worry, you will have another child. My
sisters cousins best friends aunt lost a child and went on to have twins!
-
-Why don’t you just adopt?
-
-You know you’ll get pregnant as soon as you
adopt.
-
-Its not fair that you aren’t as happy for me and
my baby as I was for you before your child passed away
-
-Ugh, pregnancy is so annoying. I can’t believe we
decided to do this again.
Words of advice for
family/friends/acquaintances of hurting souls:
Please watch your words. This does not mean being silent. In fact, many of our
women have said that one of the most hurtful and relationship-damaging things
you can do is when you choose NOT to say anything to the hurting person. Ask
God to give you the words to say, and please, please say them to us.
In addition- to those
hurting souls: It is important for those of us going
through hardship to have GRACE and patience for everyone around us. We were all
one of those people prior to our hardship- so please, have grace and
forgiveness for those around you. Most people are well intentioned, they just
don't have the experience or skills to speak tenderly to a womans pain.
5. There is no side
stepping pain.
It is our human nature
to figure out a formula for fixing any problem that may arise in life. You
aren’t doing well in school? Study more. You want to be a better dancer? Take
lessons. Nearly everything we do is based on formulas and rewards. However,
when it comes to wounds in motherhood, there is no formula. Even so, I
naturally gravitated toward this when it came to my faith. If I only prayed
harder or sought harder after God- then he would fix my situation. However, as
many of us have discovered, life hardships and tragedies are often not changed
by our deepening relationship with Christ. A stronger relationship with our
Savior will do multiple wonderful things for you during your pain- it will
equip you with the tools to thrive in hardship, give you hope that only comes
through Him, and if you allow him, God will use your pain for his glory in
miraculous ways- but it is NOT a formula for fixing your pain. There is no fast
track through pain. You must walk through it, all the way, to get to the other
side.
My hope is that you
choose to hold the hand of your maker, who so lovingly longs to carry you
through the hardship. It doesn’t mean it will be easy- but I promise you that
he WILL transform you for his glory if you let him.
Part 2 of this will be the BRIGHT side of suffering… stay tuned!
-Kristin
