I have been holding off on
writing this for a long time.
in the last 14 months I
have become increasingly aware of how often people say or write " _______
happened, God is so good!"...you fill in the blank. Lots and lots of times
it's little things like a trip somewhere, an unexpected gift, something you
wanted and now you have it so "God is SO good". Don't get me wrong,
it is perfectly great to praise Jesus for any and everything... but what if
things DONT go as you wanted them? What if life takes unexpected negative
turns? What if you dont get what you desire? God is s t i l l
good.
The last 14 months opened
my eyes to a world of understanding that when life doesnt go the way we wanted
it to go, it doesnt mean God isnt good to us. And frankly, just because
something does go the way you wanted it to, doesnt necessarily mean it was
God's blessing on your life either.
months ago I was convinced
that if I prayed harder, sought harder after God, sacrificed harder... maybe
then things would go the "right" way. When that backfired, anger
ensued. I was under the impression God somehow owed me something.... ha.
God doesn't owe us anything! I was quickly learning
that despite God's greatness in all situations, despite my love for Jesus and
my dedication to Him, we still live in a broken and fallen world. Pain
exists. Even if you did nothing to deserve it, suffering remains.
Some of you know, most of
you dont. We have had several pregnancy losses in the last 14 months. I have
wrestled with God a lot this year. Cried out in anguish. Prayed harder
than I've ever prayed. But the thing is- we just live in a fallen world.
Things dont always go as we had always dreamed. Life is often not fair.
I sit back and watch terrible people become terrible parents to precious
innocent babies, knowing that I would make a far better mother. I have to sit
there and hear the doctors tell me that all the tests show I am
"healthy" but yet they know something is wrong. But the problem that
I have encountered most, is how we all understand God's goodness. I was
so thankful for pastor Reimer's sermon a few weeks ago. He reminded us
that "our Christian health is not measured by the amount of trials we
are given- its a matter of how we respond and work through those trials"
I can be so in tune with
my relationship with God and seeking him, and yet, we still experience trials.
we are not exempt from hardship just because we have a great relationship with
Christ. Hard pill to swallow? yep, you bet. especially in a situation
like this. I still do not know where the light at the end of this long
dark tunnel is. That is an incredibly vulnerable and scary place to be.
and yet- it can also be
one of the most beautiful places to be. Had I not been knocked down into this
deep sense of sadness, loss and despair- I would not know my God like I know
him now. When nothing else on this earth feels worth living for, all you
have is God and yet so ironically beautiful: God is ALL YOU NEED. Just
you and Him. In your most raw moments, God picks you up, holds on tight
and rides this devastating wave with you. The truth is, on the outside it looks
like God is not being "good" to us or I havent been blessed, or I
havent sought hard enough after him... but all of that is pseudo christian
fluff.
God is SO good to me.
Especially in the last 14 months. I am incredibly blessed, even in the midst of
such sorrow and loss. I have been able to experience a closensess with God that
many people never even come close to tasting. I am thankful.
I am
learning a deep understanding of what hope & faith truely are. I refuse to
give up hope on the dream that I know God placed deep in my heart since I was a
child myself. He has a plan to redeem this pain. A plan that far
outweighs anything I could have ever thought up. Does that mean I am happy with
how things have been so far and so looking forward to not knowing the future?
Not at all. I'm scared to death. Everyday is a battle in my heart to stay in
the depths of sadness or choose to be thankful. The losses are very real and
that pain will always be there. It is a matter of how I am going to choose to
live out this tragedy.
Today, I choose to keep
moving forward, loving my God who is SO good to us, even in our most darkest
time.
